Athletes, Don't Rap | CHERRY ON TOP

Athletes, Don’t Rap

There are a few things in the sports world that really bug me. First, I can’t stand it when successful athletes get married without signing a prenup. With today’s record high divorce rates, getting married without a prenup is the equivalent of betting half of your total net worth on a horse that’s missing one leg. To make matters worse, you can’t win any money from the bet because a 3-legged horse is clearly an ineligible contestant. You have nothing to gain by believing that love is stronger than the temptation of having $50 million, and it’s not that hard to sign a contract.

The next thing I can’t stand is when professional athletes try to start a hip-hop music career. I hate making such a broad statement because sometimes (read: rarely) their stuff is good, but there have been so many terrible athlete hip-hop acts that I have a hard time taking any attempt seriously.

I understand that athletes have an inordinate amount of free time in the off-season. I also understand that it’s impossible to spend every waking moment working on your game; however, consult the following checklist before you begin your new hip-hop career.

1. Can you think of any other enjoyable hobby other than rapping?

2. If yes, is that hobby learning to ride a motorcycle?

3. If yes, think of a different hobby. (Sorry Jason Williams, you’ll always be remembered as the poster child of poor decisions.)

4. If you’re still convinced about rapping, make sure you can rap better than this guy.

If you’ve followed my four steps and are still convinced that you want to rap, you should a little research first. The most critically acclaimed rap single by a professional athlete was “Don’t Tread” by Clint “Duce” Dempsey which was released as a promo video for the 2006 World Cup. In addition to learning that Dempsey’s nickname is “Duce,” you also just learned of that the most successful hip-hop athlete is a soccer player (who plays ball in the mean streets of Fulham, England). Dempsey did the right thing by surrounding himself with talent and rapping about something he cares about. Clint’s rap is all about his hometown and how hard work is what allowed him to accomplish his goals. The other rappers and producers on the track are pretty good so they make up for Dempsey’s rookie flow. If you’re able to process the image of a soccer player rapping in the middle of a country neighborhood in Texas, you’ll like this video.

Unlike Dempsey, most athletes fail horribly in the music industry. They assume that their popularity can compensate for their mediocre (sometimes horrible) talent. They claim that they’re rapping for the love of music; however, this is rarely true. Look as some of the most famous athletes who started rap careers. Kobe Bryant, Chris Johnson, Charles Barkley, Metta World Peace, Shaq, Deion Sanders. What do all of these athletes have in common? Ego. Every athlete on this list dominated the media during their prime. They love the attention and they turn rap music into their newest vain attempt to get everyone in the world to pay attention to their self-righteous personalities.

The only thing I beg of my readers to do is to abstain from buying a rap album because your favorite athlete is on the cover. Some athletes might have talent so don’t call me hater just yet @MettaWorldPeace, but we’ve seen that the majority of albums are terrible and history rarely lies. The last thing I need is for Kobe to make something this terrible again.

- Chad Hollis
Twitter: @djhollisto

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January 13th, 2012 | Dan | Comments Off |